The Seducing of Jon Snow
by Falling Thunderbolt
Summary: In which Melisandre tries to seduce Jon Snow, and it doesn't go according to plan. Just a crack fic poking fun at the show's overuse of female nudity for no real reason. Spoilers up until 5x04. The M rating is just in case, there's nothing too explicit in here.


The door slammed shut behind Samwell in a flurry of snow and a gust of cold wind. Melisandre, the red priestess, folded her hands before her demurely.

"Lord Commander," she greeted, letting her accent roll around the vowels.

"How can I help you?" Jon Snow replied curtly.

"Come with us when we ride south," she urged, pacing the room. "None of us know the castle as well as you do... its hidden tunnels, its weaknesses, its people. Winterfell was your home once- don't you want to chase the rats out of it?" she asked, turning her head to face him.

"Castle Black is my home now," he replied, somewhat weakly. "The Night's Watch takes no part in the wars of the Seven Kingdoms."

Melisandre shook her head. "There is only one war: life against death." She narrowed her eyes in consideration. "Come, let me show you what you're fighting for," she said, slowly approaching the chair where Jon Snow perched.

"You going to show me some vision in the fire?" he asked disbelievingly. "Forgive me my lady; I don't trust in visions," he challenged.

"No visions," she said, smiling briefly. "No magic- just life."

She stared at him with blue eyes that seemed to hold all the secrets of Westeros, and pity him for not knowing them. Simply, she grabbed a hold of the neckline of her dress and pulled it away to reveal herself completely naked beneath. She leaned back against the table (covered in now forgotten paperwork), and watched his reaction, projecting confidence and allure.

Jon Snow, for his part, gaped like a fish.

"Um, what are you doing?" he asked.

"Convincing you to come with us," she purred, reaching for his hand. "There's power in you, you resist it and that's your mistake: embrace it."

Abruptly, he froze, his hand still in Melisandre's, hovering bare centimeters before her exposed breast.

"...Weren't you cold with no clothes on?!"

The Red Priestess sighed. "The Lord of Light provides me with all the warmth I need," she said forcefully, pulling his hand down the rest of the way.

"That sounds even more far-fetched than the visions," he said staidly, subtly trying to reclaim his hand from her tight grasp.

"You know nothing, Jon Snow," she said, smirking. "The Lord of Light shines so brightly, there is nothing he cannot accomplish. He made us two parts, male and female, designed to come together to make a whole, and there is a great power in that," she continued, eyes glazing over slightly as she reveled in her religious conviction.

"So great is he that he will even convince you to actually pay for HBO instead of watching illegally," she gasped dreamily, sliding forward to settle on the very confused Lord Commander's lap.

"What?" he blustered.

"What?"

"What-" he began, before continuing with, "Yes, "What?" What are you even talking about? And that phrase- how do you know that phrase?"

"Either I saw it in the flames, or plot convenience. But, we're getting off track. Can you feel my heart beating?"

Jon shifted in his seat, jostling Melisandre. "Er, yes, this close it's impossible for me not to. You're making me uncomfortable, would you mind getting off?"

"No, Jon Snow," she said. "The viewers have not had ample time to gaze upon my lovely flesh."

"You're crazy!"

"I am a woman, and a priestess, therefore I am mysterious, not crazy. You know nothing Jon Snow."

"Would you stop saying that? Why are you doing this, you don't even like me!"

"Maybe I do."

"Well, that's too bad, because I don't like you. My previous lover just died: I'm really not in the mood."

"I shall not leave until you change your mind!"

Jon huffed in incredulous derision. "So, hang on: I wasn't willing to go south to **get revenge on the bastards who murdered my brother and step-mother** , and you think that sleeping with me is really going to change my mind?!"

"No, not really."

"Then why even try?" he cried. "That seems oddly desperate for a woman as powerful as you are."

"It does, doesn't it? But I haven't been naked yet this season, so it had to happen eventually. Besides, we're deviating from book canon this episode, we have to distract people so they're less angry when we kill off Ser Barristan."

"This is starting to feel like sexual harassment."

"It can't be sexual harassment, you're a man."

"I'm done with you," Jon proclaimed, standing up abruptly, sending Melisandre squawking to the ground. "Please get out of my chambers."

She looked up at him tearfully. "If my sex appeal is ruined, I'm no longer an interesting character!"

Jon gazed down at the obviously insane woman, feeling like a boor for making her weep. "Ah, don't say that, I'm sure that you're a very complex, fascinating woman once people get to know you. Would you mind putting your clothes back on? It's strange having me all wrapped up and then you in nothing."

"And that is not an invitation to undress me!" he added hurriedly.

Melisandre rolled her eyes. "You really do know nothing Jon Snow! I **only** sleep with men who have their clothes on! No one wants to see fully nude men on television."

Jon helped her to her feet, wondering what in the Seven Hells a television was. Perhaps Stannis had physicians that could look her over? A head injury, perhaps?

With a loud creak, the door opened again. Samwell Tarly flushed from his place at the threshold, politely trying to avert his eyes as Melisandre tried to put her robes to rights. Jon could have cried; just like Sam to burst in when you needed him the most, saving your life with his usual combination of fool's luck and idealistic heroism.

"Oh, my goodness, I'm sorry Jon! I thought it was safe to come in. Is your scene not over yet?"

"Not you too!" Jon wailed in utter dismay.

"You know nothing Jon Snow," Melisandre whispered.

AN:

This scene really bothered me, because it encapsulates one big thing that's wrong about Game of Thrones... namely, how female characters seem to get nekkid way more often than their male counterparts, and for increasingly arbitrary reasons.

Seriously, if Melisandre knew that Jon just lost Yrgitte (which she must have seen in the fire or some shit because she knew about the "You know nothing, Jon Snow") then she also would have known that he'd say no, so she got naked for no actual plot-related reason. She got naked because BOOBS, that's why.

Not that there's anything wrong with eye candy for the sake of eye candy... as long as the male to female eye candy ratio is somewhat equal (which it isn't). The female nudity on GoT isn't sex positive, it's still very much in the male gaze, and that gets depressing sometimes.

Also, Melisandre's jape about male sexual harassment is the exact opposite of my opinion. Am I the only one who gets weird, borderline sexual harassment vibes from some of Melisandre's sex scenes? Maybe it's because she always has an agenda, IDK, it just seems like she keeps pushing and pushing at people until they give in. (Not a no is still not a yes.)


End file.
